Separation Anxiety!

Back when PJ was born, Neil still had a year left before he graduated with his bachelor's degree. We had made the decision that I would continue working to pay for his schooling, without taking out a bunch of student loans. We didn't want a bunch of debt. I worked as an escrow officer at a title company, doing closings and such, and my boss was great, and willing to work with my schedule. So, when PJ was 2-1/2 months old, I went back to work part time. I worked 5 hours at the office, and an hour at home (so I could have enough hours to get the insurance benefits). My first day back to work, I kissed my sweet little baby goodbye and started getting weepy. Neil's youngest sister, who was living with us at the time (she had just graduated from highschool, and was going to babysit PJ for us for a couple months, until the end of the summer), kind of laughed at me and said, "What are you going to do when he goes off to school?" I said I would cry then too (and I did--I've cried each time my kids start school). I continued to work for a year, until Neil graduated, and then quit to be a full-time mom. It never got any easier leaving my child, even when he was in good hands (later on, I traded babysitting with Neil's older sister, who was also working part time). There were days I would go to work and cry, because I just didn't want to leave my baby.

I have some SERIOUS separation anxiety!! Neil and I have always been very picky about who we leave our kids with, even for a short date. We have to trust them completely, and know that our kids will be safe and happy with the person watching them. And we've only ever left our kids over night for just 1 night (several different times), and that was only with Neil's parents. However, we are going to go on a little overnight anniversary date this June (for our 14th Anniversary), and leave our kids with a girl that we used to babysit for us before she left for college. She is back here for the summer, so we thought we'd try it. The kids LOVE her, and she's very mature and responsible.

Well, as my kids have gotten older and more independent, and are away more and more for various things (school, an overnight science camp in 5th grade, scout campouts, etc.), it gets harder and harder, and my anxiety level increases. I know I need to get better about letting go at some point, but it's so hard! I'm such a HUGE worrier, that I always think about all the things that COULD happen! I just wish I could turn off my brain sometimes!

The school district here, has a program, where in 5th grade, all the kids go to this big science center in the middle of the Ozarks. They are gone for 2 days, and 1 night. They stay in cabins, and go on hikes, learn about the plants & wildlife here, and do lots of fun activities. It was really stressing me out, and I was trying to decide what to do. I called a few other parents who had done it in the past to ask their opinions. Neil was going to volunteer to be a chaperone, but ended up having a business trip that he had to go on. I was worried! PJ had never spent the night away from us, except with Neil's parents, and this was with a bunch of people from school and the science center that I didn't know. I didn't know what kind of people they were, or if I could trust them with my child! And what if PJ got hurt, or sick, and what if it was in the middle of the night, and I had to load up my 3 other sleeping kids into the van, and drive 2 hours, throught the big dark, dangerous woods, on a windy back road and got lost, and we all died?! Okay, that's a little dramatic, but I seriously worry WAY too much! Well, I ended up letting PJ go. He had a great time, he was safe, he didn't break any bones or need any stitches or get lost or kidnapped. I was so relieved!!

This summer, PJ has the opportunity to go camping with the boy scouts. The "real" scout camp--for a whole week! It's with all the scouts in the entire area (not just members of our church), and is about 3 hours away, in Missouri. PJ is really excited. I'm excited for him too, but also a little worried. I'm sure he'll have fun. He loves camping with the scouts and doing all the scout stuff. But he's never been gone from us that long! I'll miss him. :(

Every year, at the beginning of a new school year, my heart aches just a little bit. Sending my kids off to school from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m., without knowing what is going on. If they are happy. If they are doing well. If they are having fun with their friends or sad or lonely. I realize that everyone eventually has to figure things out and learn to deal with life. But as a parent, it is so hard, because you want to keep these sweet little kids in a bubble to protect them from any and all bad things out there (emotional and physical). Of cousre I want my kids to grow up and be confident, independent, happy, well-adjusted adults. So, I let my heart ache, and put on a smile, and tell them to have a great time and they'll have a blast. Does it ever get any easier?! My father-in-law says it hurts his heart every time he watches his kids leave, even now that they are adults. I guess that's my answer. We will ALWAYS be parents, and we will always have the desire to protect our kids, because we love them SO much!

(I just wish I could control my tears when I'm at the preschool graduation, kindergarten orientation, or reading the scout camp itinerary. Good greif...get a GRIP!) :)